Things I Wish I Knew in My 20s (That Nobody Ever Said Out Loud)

People don’t talk enough about this: Our self-confidence can make our 20s the best decade of our lives or the most wasted one.

Am I being harsh and unrealistic?

I’ve always struggled with confidence, sometimes because of what other people have told me, but mostly because of what I’m telling myself. You don’t need my life story to believe me. I know you struggle with similar issues and I know reading everything I am about to tell you below would strike a nerve or two for you. And it would hopefully make you stop for a moment and think.

I’ve wasted my 20s chasing the wrong things in life in every aspect of my life. I had a career I didn’t enjoy regardless of how good it sounded to be a bank office manager. I spent my nights as a single lady watching shows, closed up in my flat, avoiding people. And when I was in a relationship, it was always with someone who just didn’t care about the same things as I did.

I am nearing my 40s now, so I’ve had the chance to think in perspective and let me tell you – if there is a time you need to learn from the wise and not from experience, it would be now. Because you still have the time to make it all better, you certainly deserve it.

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Self-confidence in Your 20s

I’ve managed to pinpoint the exact things that made me less confident, made me scared to live life fully, made me waste days, weeks and months, made me postpone and not chase what my heart was telling me I should chase.

And these lessons, revelations and cries of the past are all below, for the taking. Use them wisely.

You need to ignore the pressure to live your life in a certain way

People who love you will give you advice, pressure you and teach you how to live your life, because they think you’re too young to make the right choices. And it will all come from a place of love and care.

It is very important that you ignore them.

Even if those people turn out to be right in the end, you still want to take the decisions yourself. The lessons have always been and will be yours only. You do not need to add feelings of blame to your relationship with people you love. Yes, they might blame you for not listening, but you won’t be blaming them because they gave you advice that didn’t work.

Your confidence can only grow if you take steps by yourself, if you let go of someone’s hand and wobble your way through the rough patch you’re on. Just like a baby who’s learning to walk. She will fall hundreds of times, daily, but every time she will stand back up and keep going. After a while, the falls would be fewer, she would try walking faster and then, one day, she would run.

That’s the point of doing things your way, not someone else’s way.

Learn to let go

Your ability to succeed, to be happy and to become confident in your 20s depends on your ability to let go.

Whatever it is that’s holding you back, it will keep holding you unless you let it go.

Somebody upset you in traffic? The next 30 minutes of your drive shouldn’t be affected by that 10-second interaction.

Somebody at work looked at you weirdly? It isn’t your job to know what’s happening in their head. Stay focused on your stuff.

Your partner did something that upset you? Are you breaking up with them? Would it matter a year from now? Then let it go.

Self-confidence is built based on brushing things off your shoulders and making life lighter for yourself. Every small thing you hold onto takes up space in your head that could be used for something that actually matters. Confidence needs room to grow. You won’t find it in a head full of grudges and replayed conversations.

The reality you live in isn’t the only reality out there

There is one little flaw we carry in our 20s from our teen years – the know-it-all behaviour. It makes us judge people based on our beliefs, but honestly? We are probably being judged by someone else based on their beliefs, so it kind of makes me think… what’s the point?

We all live in our little universes with our own beliefs, habits, ideas, friends, families, small bickering, Sunday BBQs and Monday ugh-moments.

Every person you ever see on the street has their own universe that interests them the way yours interests you. Confidence can come through respect as well. So, respect people before they have to earn it. Be polite and kind, and even if you don’t receive the same from the other person – that’s something they need to deal with in their universe.

Your 20s aren’t for figuring things out

Here’s a little secret: You are always going to try and figure something out.

People always make it sound like you should learn everything in your 20s, figure out who you are and what you want. It makes people in their 30s and 40s feel like they’re behind, a lost cause.

So. Not. True.

Life is un-figure-out-able, at any point. I am still trying to make things work nowadays and the reason is that the moment I think I’ve figured it all out, something new enters my life, this world, something changes and my environment changes with it. What was working three years ago might be impractical today. That’s just life.

Don’t get caught in the “figure it out” mentality, because you are never going to make it there and it will hurt your self-esteem. It would make you feel less capable and would make you see other people who look like they’ve figured it all out as better than you. They aren’t. They have their own battles to fight too.

Speaking of people who look like they know it all…

What works for them is not your answer

No one is perfect, and if it looks like they are – they are just showing the sides of them that know will please others.

Social media is a very good confidence crusher. We are absolutely flooded with picture-perfect content, on a daily basis. It’s devastating how many people believe they need to fit in certain boxes, do what others do to and think that what helped others will certainly be their solution as well.

Any advice you see on social media comes from somebody who has a life different than yours. Their mentality, background, education, emotional intelligence, and everyday life are completely different from yours. Why would you think their advice is the best for you? It is the best for them, of course. But should it be the same for you?

Start things

You are a beginner in adulthood. (Hopefully) you’ve not suffered too much yet. You still carry the boldness of your teen years. It’s the most perfect time to start new things, to experiment, to fail, to succeed.

So start those new things, explore the ideas in your mind, try them at least. You will always regret what you’ve not tried much more than what you’ve tried and failed at.

The more new things you initiate in your 20s, the more experience, lessons and new ideas you add to your life. You will grow with each beginning, you will learn to let go of the unrealistic, and you will learn that you can do so much more than what you think you’re capable of. And that’s how you build self-confidence, by seeing that you can.

Hold your boundaries

Many people around you will try to push your boundaries because they think you’re too young to hold them up strongly enough.

They will call you stubborn and try to manipulate their way into changing you into who they think you should be.

You might struggle to find out who you are, so build the boundaries that clearly say who you are not. The rest will come later.

The people who push hardest against your boundaries are usually the ones who benefit most from you not having any. Keep that in mind next time someone calls you difficult for simply knowing what you don’t want.

Saying no is a full sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for a limit you’ve set for yourself.

And the more you hold your boundaries, the easier it gets. The first time feels uncomfortable, almost rude. The second time, a little less so. Eventually it becomes the most natural thing in the world — just you, knowing yourself.

Before I Let You Enjoy Your 20s

Maybe once you leave this blog, my words will leave your mind as well. Or maybe my truths land in the perfect moment for you, when someone’s made you doubt yourself and called you too young to be so strong.

Whatever the case, I just want to underline that you already know the things you’ve just read above. You probably needed someone else to say them out loud. And if they sound like universal truths, it’s because they are, and more of us should apply them in practice.