How To Stop Worrying About What Others Think and Focus On Yourself

If only you could focus on your own life and stop worrying about what others think of you… Life would be beautiful and you would be happy.

But you worry!

You worry what your peer group would say if you don’t go out with them next Friday evening, and choose to cuddle up and binge watch Netflix instead.

You worry about what your boss thinks of you when he sees you chatting with your coworker instead of breaking your fingers on the keyboard (or when you call in sick).

You worry what your new crush would think of your body the first time you sleep at their place.

You worry what the cashier thinks when you unload your shopping basket and she has to scan four boxes of cookies, three chocolates, and five boxes of ice cream…

You worry about everything all the time. You try to read other people’s faces when you talk to them, figuring out what their instant reaction to what you say is.

You adjust your behavior and change your words according to what would suit them.

You cannot stop calling yourself a “people pleaser”, and there is a part of you (a big one) that’s fed up with the way you constantly worry, yet you can’t make yourself stop! You just can’t!

Keypoints from this article:

• It isn’t your responsibility what others think of you, but it is your responsibility what you think of yourself.
• You believe it so others see it.
• Nothing can bother you unless you allow it to bother you.
• What others think of you is their karma; how you respond is yours.

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Why Do You Worry About What Others Think So Much?

Truth to be told, we all have moments when we don’t care what others say about us and moments when we cannot fall asleep because we’ve said or done something that would create an avalanche of reactions we cannot control.

And here’s the thing…

It kind of isn’t our fault.

Our modern-day life has evolved faster than our instincts, and to feel accepted and approved by people around us is one of the first instincts we had as human beings. When our ancestors still lived in caves, getting accepted and approved by our tribe was a matter of life and death.

As the world evolved, we faced to problems:

• We cannot get rid of the instincts to be approved and accepted as fast as we wish;
• On top of that the “tribe” has grown to the size of hundreds if not even thousands of people around us.

Those two things mean that we still have the strong need to be accepted and the feeling that our life depends on it, but because we know and interact with more people than our ancestors ever did, the situation further complicates itself.

Are You Worrying About What Others Think About You Or Is It Something Else…?

I had to spend a little bit more time contemplating this problem. I looked at my own life situations and had a few realizations I just cannot skip on.

My first approach to solving the issue was to go after it in a logical manner.

What do people really think of me?

Hm… I can’t tell, can I? You can’t either.

You can never tell what someone else is thinking of you. On one side, that’s great because you don’t always want to know others’ thoughts of you, especially when you are aware it could ruin your day/week.

At the same time, an uncovered piece of information (probably negative) about you stays in someone’s head and you cannot defend yourself. That is mind-boggling.

Okay, but here’s the thing!

You beileve it so others see it!

It isn’t your responsibility what others think of you but it is your responsibility what you think of yourself.

Allow me to explain!

My simple theory is that we replace other’s people’s opinions of us with our own opinion of us! At the same time, the only reason we get affected by someone else’s negative thoughts is when those thoughts confirm the vision we have of ourselves.

That explains why we assume “everyone” thinks we are “fat/ugly/lazy/a failure”. If you catch yourself saying that “everyone” believes you are “something” that would mean “you” consider yourself as this thing and seek confirmation of that belief in others.

It’s kind of like The Law of Attraction but in a twisted and negative way: When you believe in something you start seeing it manifesting around you.

To summarise this point: Often, we assume that people think negatively of us because we think negatively of ourselves.

What Happens When Someone Shares Their Negative Opinion Of Us With Us?

Now, the previous point was about projecting your negative self-vision onto others. In this section, I want to dig deeper into the moments when someone truly doesn’t approve of what you do or who you are and isn’t afraid to let you know. This could be a sibling, a parent, a friend, or even someone you don’t know.

• When someone you know and love tells you their negative opinion of you it hurts because you want them to see you in your best light.
• When someone you do not know shares their negative opinion of you, it hurts because they don’t know you, yet make conclusions about who you are.

So, regardless of which situation you are in, it hurts to be in it.

Now would be the time to share one of the quotes that completely changed the way I see such things: “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” Wayne Dyer.

How people treat you is their karma…

Just as you have full responsibility regarding the way you treat others, those “others” have the responsibility of how they treat you.

And I will give you a very personal example. One of the people who rarely approves anything about me is my mother. She has her vision of what my life should look like, and I do not follow that vision. Am I happy? Yes. Does she believe I am happy? No. She believes that the only way I could experience happiness is if I live my life the way she says.

Now, I understand that as a parent, it is painful to see your child living a life out of the ordinary, not fitting in the society’s expectations, and occasionally getting hurt. However, our arguments have often crossed far too many lines, and it is painful for both of us. We are at a point where we communicate on subjects we know we don’t fight over.

I want to be closer to her, but I cannot share everything with her, because she does believe the way I live my life is completely wrong and that I am not happy… The way she treats me is her karma…

… how you response is your karma.

I could always just tell her whatever happens and deal with the storms, one at a time. Or I could keep her in the dark and share whatever I know won’t create a new family drama.

The way I respond to the toxic behavior of my mother is my karma. Picking up fights I know will hurt her doesn’t sound enjoyable. In the past, I was always giving our relationship second, third and fiftieth chances. Yet, as I grew older, I realized that there are people who change, and there are people who never change. She is the second type.

I had three options:

• Keeping the same toxic relationship going on, and hoping for things to change;
• Cutting off any communication with her (I had the right to do it);
• Filtering the informaiton that gets to her and staying on good terms, but always cautious.

I am currently choosing the third option as when it comes to a parent the first option would wound me for life, and the second one would wound her for life.

A Few Rules When Dealing With Someone’s Negative Opinions

Dealing with a parent’s negative opinions of you is probably the hardest thing. So, I hope my tips below help you regardless of who thinks negatively about you.

Create a wall

Imagine a wall between you and the other’s opinion of you (if needed, between you and the other’s). You aren’t obligated to either listen or take their negative vibe and it doesn’t matter if it’s about a stranger or a life partner.

Again, how they act is their karma, how you react (stepping away and letting them know they’ve been disrespectful or engaging in the drama) is yours.

Is it negative opnion or a contructive criticism

Yes, there are moments when someone’s “negative opinion” is indeed just constructive criticism.

You will recognize constructive criticism when the other person presents facts and ideas in a respectful and non-judgemental way. You do not feel personally attacked but guided and are left with the choice to take it into consideration or not.

If whatever happens doesn’t fit 100% in the explanation above, you are free to consider it as a negative personal opinion based on the other’s visions and values. It doesn’t make them wrong, but they could be invalid to you.

What is it that actually bothers you?

Here’s the thing!

Nothing can bother us unless we allow it to bother us. And something the other says bothers us because it confirms a suspicion we had prior.

Yes, I am circling back to “you believe it so others see it”. Something about the way others think about you disturbs you because you assume the same thing about yourself.

I am not saying you are right. I am saying you think about yourself the same way. I would spend time exploring that and uncovering whatever bothers you. Do not be afraid to unplug everything that hides the truth about you from you.

And maybe here is the real truth of why you cannot focus on yourself but constantly worry about what others think. Focusing on yourself would mean that you have to disregard whatever they assume and ignore whatever they say.

But there is a part inside you that doesn’t want to ignore whatever they say because you have similar doubts.

I am not saying the problem exists! I am saying you see a problem! And unless you clear that in your head, the others’ words will always be like an echo in your ears.

Instead of Conclusion

Before I leave you with more questions than answers, I would like to point out that there are two reasons we often spend time worrying about what others think and avoid focusing on ourselves: lack of self-love and self-confidence.

If you know you already have a problem with loving yourself unconditionally, everything others throw at you will hurt and create self-doubts.

On the other hand, other people will always have their opinions of you, just as you have your opinion of them. And that is normal in human relationships. We interact with others every day and forming an opinion is just normal. Paying attention to those opinions is a matter of choice.

And yes, I know it sounds way too easy, but hey, it is you the person in control of your mind and body. You can train yourself to either not pay any attention to what others say or to never truly live your life because you are too busy to think about what others think.

What would you choose?

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How to Stop Worrying About What Others Think and Focus on Yourself